Moby Dick Cures All
by Oneturtledove
Summary: Sometimes it's the small things that make the difference.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine. I wish.

Spoilers: Emily, All Souls

Mulder's eyes focused and refocused at the TV screen. There was an infomercial playing. They were usually conducive to sleep, but tonight the images of the day were plaguing his mind and he couldn't find rest. They were in Michigan, had been for almost a week. Another serial killer, murdering women and torturing their children. They had few clues, even less leads. Scully had performed 7 autopsies in the last 4 days and had probably slept even less than Mulder had. And he hadn't slept in two days.

He sighed, rearranged his pillows, and tried once again to go to sleep. His eyes snapped open again and he tossed the remote control across the room in frustration. It hit the adjoining wall and he cringed. The thunking noise almost certainly had woken his partner, granted she had been sleeping. As if on cue, she opened their adjoining door, the scent of her perfume coming with her.

"Scully, I didn't meant to wake you," he started, standing up from the bed.

"You didn't wake me, Mulder."

"Oh."

"I came to ask you if you had brought any of your sleeping pills with you. Judging by the infomercial, I would say no."

"That would be correct."

She sighed.

"Want to go for a run, Scully? Sometimes it helps."

"I don't know," she said finally, sitting down on the end of the bed and resting her chin on her hands. "I'm so tired, Mulder."

"I know. I am too. Do want to talk about it? The case?"

"I don't think so. Let's get out of here."

"You're actually going to run with me? In the middle of the night?"

She managed a small smile and stood up.

"Let me change; I'll be right back."

She left the room but came back a few minutes later in sweats.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

He opened the door and was surprised at the wind that hit them.

"It's not too cold, is it?"

"It's fine."

They began to run together, their feet beating the sidewalk in tandem. They were quiet save for their puffs of breath every few seconds. It was a comfortable silence- years together had cultivated the ease. They went almost a mile before Scully started to slow to a walk. Mulder followed suit and they walked back towards the hotel.

"Feel better?"

"A little. I'm still not going to be able to sleep, but I can maybe doze for a while."

"That's not good enough."

"It'll have to do."

He opened his door and ushered her inside.

"Go change your clothes and come back over here."

"Why?"

"I'm going to help you fall asleep."

"Mulder-"

"Just trust me, Scully."

She sighed and disappeared into her room. Mulder clicked the TV off and dimmed the bedside lamp. He found a classical station on the radio and turned it just loud enough to hear, but not loud enough consume the entire room. He straightened the bed and pulled back the covers just as she was coming back.

"Mulder, what is this?"

He plucked something out of his suitcase and sat down on the bed.

"Come here," he said, crooking his finger at her. She sat down next to him and he pulled the blankets over her. She smiled and scooted closer to him as he held up a book.

"Moby Dick? Mulder…"

"I knew this would be a tough case, so I brought it along assuming you might need it."

She leaned over and hugged him.

"You're amazing Mulder."

"I know," he retorted, putting his arm around her and kissing her hair. He settled back against the pillows, keeping his arm around her. "Call me Ishmael…"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

He was on page 63 when he noticed that Scully was asleep. She was breathing so slowly it was almost imperceptible. He felt his eyelids droop and he wanted to lie down, but was afraid any movement would wake her. He watched her sleep for a moment. Her eyes were fluttering behind her lids and every once in a while she sucked in a quick breath. It wasn't the deepest sleep he had ever seen her in, but it would suffice for tonight. He kissed her forehead and shifted slightly so he could lie down. She grumbled and cracked one eye open.

"I knew the sleeping wasn't going to last long."

"It was a good try," she remarked, scooting still closer to him.

"Want me to read again?" he asked as she slipped her arm around him.

"Finish the chapter," she mumbled, her fingers tracing lazy lines on his stomach.

"Okay."

He picked up the book and began to read.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Scully, wake up." Mulder shook her shoulder gently, still surprised that the ringing phone hadn't disturbed her.

"Don't wanna," she mumbled, pushing his hand away.

"You have to. There's been another one."

"Yeah, that's incentive to get up," she growled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"Sorry."

"I'll be ready in 20 minutes."

He watched her leave the room, then got up also. He had slept well for a few hours, and was more refreshed than he had been in a long time. He hadn't expected to find Scully still there when he woke up- he though she would have wandered back to her room before morning. But there she was curled up close just as she had been when he fell asleep. He liked having her close like that. He heard her shower turn on and decided that he'd better get ready too.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"We got here about 3 hours ago. The scene's been documented and the body's been taken." The sheriff said as Mulder and Scully approached the house.

"Was there a child?"

"Heidi. She's three. She's been under the bed since we got here. Won't come out for nothing. Screams bloody murder when anyone goes in there."

Scully nodded.

"I'll give it a try. Just point me in the right direction."

"Last door at the end of the hallway."

Mulder followed her through the front door and grabbed her elbow as soon as they were out of earshot of the sheriff.

"Are you going to be okay, Scully?"

"I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"No, I'm not, but I have to be fine."

"Okay. I'll be out here if you need me."

He gave her hand a squeeze and she walked quietly towards the back bedroom.

"Heidi?" she called softly.

"Go away."

"I just want to make sure you're okay."

"Who are you?"

Scully entered the room. There were hand drawn pictures all over the walls, and stuffed animals on the floor. The small desk in the corner was covered in half colored pictures and markers.

"My name is Dana. I'm here to help you. Is it alright if I come in?"

"Okay."

She sat down on the floor across from the bed.

"Heidi, are you hurt?"

"No."

"Do you want to come out from under the bed?"

"No!"

"Okay. Is it alright if we talk?"

She was quiet for a long time.

"Heidi?"

"What?"

"Did you say yes?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I'm going to ask you some questions, okay?"

"Sure."

She turned on the tape recorder she had thought to bring.

"Heidi, do you know what happened last night?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me about it?"

"Mommy picked me up from daycare and we went shopping. Then we came home and she made spaghetti and meatballs and watched Bambi. Then I took a bath and I went to bed. And then the bad thing happened."

"What bad thing?"

"Mommy got hurt."

"Do you know how she got hurt?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay. Heidi, can you tell me about this picture you drew?"

She slid the picture towards the bed. A small hand came out from under the blanket and grabbed it.

"That's me and mommy and Auntie Mary and Uncle Steve in Disneyland."

"When did you go to Disneyland?"

"We didn't yet. Mommy says we're going in the summer when we go to California to visit Auntie Mary and Uncle Steve. They live there, right by the beach. Uncle Steve said he would teach me to surf, but mommy said no."

"What about this picture?"

Heidi's hand came out a little further this time.

"That's me and mommy and daddy in heaven. Daddy went there before I was born."

"Oh."

"I think mommy went there too."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because. She had owie juice on her and she wouldn't wake up. Did mommy go to heaven?"

"Yes, she did."

The room was quiet.

"Heidi, would you like to come out now?"

"No."

"Can I get anything for you?"

"Can you get my baby doll?"

"Where is she?"

"On the floor."

Scully raised her eyebrows and surveyed the room.

"What does your baby doll look like?"

"She has yellow hair and a purple dress."

Scully found the doll and scooted closer to the bed.

"Here you go."

"Thank you. Can I have my markers and some paper too?"

"Sure," she said, retrieving the items and handing them to her. "What are you going to draw?"

"It's a secret."

"Okay. Can I get anything else for you?"

"Can you read me a story?"

"Sure. Which one would you like me to read?"

"The Dr. Seuss one on my desk."

"The Sneetches on the Beaches?"

"Yeah, that one. It's my favorite."

Two hours later she had read through all of Heidi's books and her voice was giving out. Heidi was still quiet under the bed, except for the occasional swishing of her markers on paper.

"Read another one Dana."

"I read them all."

"Oh."

"Would you like me to find another one?"

"Yes please."

"I'll be right back."

She went out into the hallway and found Mulder.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah. My butt is numb and my throat hurts, but I'm good. Could you run back to the hotel and get the book?"

"Moby Dick?"

"Yeah. She wants me to read to her. I've finished all of hers already."

"Okay. I'll be back in a bit."

He left the house, glad to be in the fresh air. The smell of death clung to everything in the house. It was depressing.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Heidi had finally come out from under the bed halfway through the first chapter of Moby Dick. She had wordlessly crawled into Scully's lap and fallen asleep, her thumb in her mouth. Scully stopped reading and cuddled the small girl for a long minute before calling for Mulder. He came into the room quietly. He had been listening outside the door and already knew what to expect when he came in. He took Heidi gently while Scully stood and stretched, then he handed the girl back to her.

"What do we do?" she asked, stroking Heidi's dark hair.

"The sheriff brought us a car seat. We need to take her down to social services."

She nodded and he could tell how much she despised that idea.

"Should we bring anything for her?"

Scully sat down on the bed and shifted Heidi in her arms so she was easier to hold.

"Some clothes, her coloring stuff. Her doll is right there, pack that too."

Mulder did as he was told, packing enough clothes for a week, along with the special items Scully had pointed out. He put them all in a small suitcase he had found in the closet, and zippered it shut before helping Scully from the bed.

"Ready?" he asked. She nodded and followed him out of the house and to the car.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Mulder, I want to stay here until she wakes up. She knows me now and I think it would be easier for her if I was here."

He nodded.

"I was thinking the same thing. I'm going to go talk to the social worker, see what they're planning for her, and then I'm going to head over to the PD and see what else they need from us. Call me if you need anything, okay?"

"I will," she promised, sitting down in the chair next to Heidi's bed.

Mulder crouched down in front of her and took her hands between his.

"I don't want you to tell me you're fine when I ask later, okay? You and I both know this is difficult, and I want you to be honest with me."

"I will be."

He patted her hands and smiled.

"Okay. I'll be back later."

He headed for the door and heard Heidi wake up.

"Dana?"

"I'm right here."

Mulder stepped outside the door, then turned back to watch.

"I thought you were gone."

"No, sweetie."

"Is Auntie Mary coming to get me?"

"I don't know yet."

"Can I talk to her?"

Scully paused. They hadn't been able to locate any Steve or Mary related to Heidi, her mother, or her deceased father. They had looked in barely used address books, sorted through the few pieces of mail, even opened Heidi's mother's e-mail. They found addresses of former employers, advertisements for credit cards, and messages about upcoming high school reunions. It was as if Heidi and her mother existed in a small spot in time, never reaching out past it.

"Sweetie, do you know Auntie Mary's phone number?"

"She doesn't have a phone."

"She doesn't?"

"They don't have phones underground."

"Underground?"

"Aunt Mary and Uncle Steve. They live underground by Disneyland."

Scully suddenly realized what was going on. Imaginary friends. Why she would call them her aunt and uncle was unclear, but that is what she had done.

"Heidi, what about your grandma and grandpa?"

"They died a long time ago. Like Daddy. And like mommy."

"Do you have anyone else in your family?"

"Nope."

"Your mommy doesn't have any friends?"

"She says I'm her best friend and that's all she needs."

Scully sighed.

"Heidi, honey, why don't you rest for a little while, okay?"

"Are you leaving me?"

"I'm just going to go into the other room. You call me if you need me, okay?"

"Okay," Heidi agreed, her eyelids drooping with sleep. Scully left the room and ran into Mulder. She looked at him for a long moment before stepping closer and wrapping her arms around his middle. He returned the gesture, stroking her hair and tracing her ear softly.

"They're going to put her in foster care, Mulder."

He sighed and pulled her further away from the door, lest Heidi hear.

"That's probably true."

"They can't do that. Not after everything she's been through."

He held her for a long time before saying anything.

"What should we do?"

She shook her head.

"I don't know. I know what I want to do."

"You want her."

She was quiet.

"It's okay to feel that, Scully. I feel it and I haven't spent any time with her yet. I don't want her to be all alone."

"I can't leave her."

She herself was stunned at how quickly she was attaching to this child. How quickly the child had attached to her. Mulder rocked back and forth gently until Scully pulled away.

"It doesn't matter what we want. We need to do what's best for Heidi. Let's go talk to the social worker and see what we can figure out."

He nodded and gave her forehead a long kiss before they turned and left the room.


	2. Chapter 2

See Chapter 1 for all the usual rigamorole.

"Hey Scully, got any Dramamine?"

Scully stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him.

"Huh?"

"Dramamine. Your pacing is giving me motion sickness."

"Well then... stop watching me."

"Scully, you know how much I like-"

"Shut it, Mulder."

He nodded and turned back to his magazine.

"And stop biting your nails, you just got a manicure," he said without looking up.

She sighed and sat down next to him.

"I'm just worried."

"I know."

"I can't even do anything."

"Scully, Harriett has been a social worker in this county for 23 years. If anyone can get Heidi into a good home, it's her. Just trust the lady."

"Mulder, have you even heard the stories about foster homes lately? Overcrowding, health hazards... and do you know how little research they do on these people? They get drug addicts and child abusers and all sorts of horrible people into the system. How can they be sure that they are placing her somewhere safe?"

"Scully, for every one of those dangerous homes, there's like 10 safe ones. She'll be fine. If it makes you feel better, we'll do a background check on the family first. Okay?"

She sighed and leaned back against the chair.

"Mulder, this sucks."

"I know."

"Why are you so calm?"

"Because you're not and we're supposed to balance each other out."

"And how did you know I got a manicure?"

He just smiled.

She kicked her feet back and forth under the chair for several minutes until he put a hand on her knee.

"Enough. That's not going to help anything."

"Can I go back to pacing? At least that will burn some calories."

He nodded.

"Agents?" Harriett asked, suddenly poking her head out of the office door.

"Yes?"

"I've found a home for Heidi."

She motioned for them to come into her office, and Scully followed quickly. By the time Mulder got there, his partner was already seated, her hands clenched in her lap.

"It's the best home I have, Agent Scully," Harriett was saying as Mulder sat down. "These people have been foster parents for 15 years. They have 2 boys of their own, they live on a farm and have all sorts of animals. I've had a lot of kids refuse to move to another home or even to be adopted. Elise and Dan know what they're doing. They've had kids in situations similar to Heidi's before and I think this would be the best fit for her."

Scully nodded.

"I know it may not be normal procedure, but would it be alright if Agent Scully and I visited the house before Heidi is sent there? I think it would help our peace of mind."

"Agent Mulder-"

"I'm not questioning your judgment. I think we just both need to see where she's going to live. It would make it easier to tell her about it."

Harriett nodded in understanding.

"Okay. I'll give you directions and let them know you're coming."

Mulder smiled in thanks and lead Scully from the office.

"You okay?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You know why not."

"No, I don't think I do."

"I wanted her, Mulder."

"I thought you just wanted what was best for her."

"I wanted them to be the same thing."

He sighed and reached over for her hand.

"I think you'll feel better once you've met the family."

"I hope so."

He let go of her hand, not sure of what else to say.

7:30 p.m.

Scully crouched down in front of Heidi and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind the girls' ear. Heidi just looked at her, eyes filling with tears.

"Okay, kiddo. I'm going to go now."

"Do you have to?"

"Yeah. You're going to have so much fun here, Heidi. Elise told me that you could ride the horses, and play with the dogs. She said that she also has lots of markers and crayons and paints for you to use. And I saw a ton of books in the bedroom."

"But I'm scared."

"That's okay. Sometimes I get scared too. But you're safe here, Heidi. Okay?"

"Will you ever come to see me?"

"I would love that. Tell you what; I'm going to leave my address with Miss Harriett, and you can write me a letter anytime you want to, okay?"

"Really, I could?"

"Of course."

"Will you find the man that hurt my mommy?"

"I will do everything I can to find him."

Heidi nodded and smiled a little.

"She said I could really ride horses?"

"Yeah."

The small girl giggled and hugged Scully's neck.

"Thank you, Dana. I love you."

"I love you too. Go play."

She released Heidi and stood up. Heidi gave her one last smile before turning and heading for the swing set where a few other kids were playing. They immediately welcomed Heidi into their game and she was laughing within a few seconds.

"Ready to go?" Mulder asked, placing his hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah."

The ride back to the hotel was silent, save for a few sniffles. They came from both sides of the car.

11:52 p.m.

"I thought you were out," Mulder commented as Scully poked her head into his room.

"Nope. Can't sleep."

"Want me to read to you?"

"No," she answered, sitting down next to him. "I don't know."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Mulder, we never talk about stuff like this."

"Maybe we need to. I mean, we never talked about Emily, and I don't think you ever really dealt with that. We never talked about Donnie Pfaster, and you still have nightmares. We never talked about your abduction or your sister or whatever happened on that bridge with Cassandra."

"What are you trying to do; get me to talk to you so you can charge me for therapy?"

"I do have a credit card to pay off."

"Mulder..."

"Look, you don't have to talk to me about it; I just think it would be easier since I already know the situations. At least talk to someone."

"Maybe I do."

"We're together like 18 hours a day, Scully. When would you have time to talk to anyone else?"

"Maybe I'm telepathic."

"I'm being serious."

"I know. I'm not going to spill my personal problems at the feet of someone I don't know, and who just gives me advice I could get out of a fortune cookie then have them bill the insurance. No thanks."

"Scully, you can talk to me. I won't bill your insurance. I won't hold anything against you. I won't think less of you. It won't change us."

"What if it does?"

"How?"

"What if I discover that I resent you?"

"Then I wouldn't be surprised."

"I would."

"Scully, come on. Let me help you. It's what partners are for. It's what friends are for too, so I'm doubly in violation if you don't speak up."

She sighed.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell my why you can't sleep."

"Because I keep thinking about Emily. Because I feel like Heidi should be my responsibility and I'm afraid she'll think that I'm abandoning her. Because I don't want you to think I can't handle this. Because I don't think I can handle it. Because I feel like I'm going to snap any second."

He scooted over to her and rubbed her neck softly.

"I'm tired, Mulder. Tired of being hurt and pretending that I'm not. I chose this life, and I continue to choose it every single day when I wake up and go to work. And I don't regret any of it, but I want the pain to be over. I want to know that nothing else is going to happen."

She turned to face him, questions etched into her brow.

"Do you ever feel like that, Mulder?"

"Yeah."

"What do you do?"

"I just look over at you."

"Mulder."

"I do, Scully. I draw most of my strength from you. I wouldn't be in this job without you. You know that."

"I know."

They were quiet.

"Mulder, there's something that I never told you."

"About what?"

"About Emily. Remember the case with the four girls?"

"When you saw her?"

"I saw her more than the one time I told you about. The fourth girl, when she died, she was Emily. She begged me to let her go, and I couldn't do it. She was pleading, Mulder, and I just couldn't bear to do it. It felt like she wanted me to forget about her, but I could never do that. And now I have to figure out how to love her and miss her and still accept the fact that she's gone. I don't know how to do that. I feel like if I'm not in pain about it then I'm betraying her."

"Scully, do you mourn for your father everyday? Do you cry and miss him every time you think about him?"

"No."

"Then why do you feel like you have to do that with Emily?"

"I don't know."

"Scully, how did you move on from the death of your father?"

"It was easy. There weren't questions. He's gone, but his death had nothing to do with the outcome of my future. He had done everything he needed to do in his life. Emily didn't get that chance. She never really had a childhood. Heidi won't have one either. And that's the most unfair part about it."

He wanted to tell her to cry, for she hadn't shed one tear yet.

"I saw Heidi and I felt like I could give her back her childhood. I could build forts under the kitchen table and splash in puddles with her. I could take her camping in the living room and bake cookies and tell stories and have tea parties and play dress up and read to her and sing to her and tell her why the sky is blue and the grass is green and where balloons go when they float away. I could warn her of all the hurts in life before she had to experience them. I could listen to her cry when friends left her and boys were horrible. I could tell her she was a princess. I could make her believe that she truly was. I could let her believe in love and happy endings and I could tell her that messes are okay, and sometimes you have to scream and you have to cry and sometimes you just need to be alone. Mulder, what if no one tells her those things?"

She fell onto his chest, the tears coming before she could reign them in. He wrapped his arms around her and rocked her slowly for a long time. He wasn't sure if she was talking about Heidi or Emily, but maybe she was talking about both of them.

"It's okay," he murmured into her hair. She continued to cry, her breath coming in short gasps as she tried to get control. "Just cry, Scully. Please, just let yourself cry. It's okay."

The encouragement brought on new tears, louder this time. She seemed to crumple into nothing as she held on to him. He pulled the comforter over her and kissed her forehead as he shed a few tears of his own.

"I'm here, Scully," he said, as her tears finally slowed. She lifted her head from his chest and took a deep breath.

"Thank you."

He nodded and kissed the remaining tears from her face.

"Go to sleep, Scully. We can talk more in the morning."

"Will you read to me?"

Smiling, he took the book off of the night stand and opened it to the place they had left off the night before.

"Of course."

She smiled at him and let the rhythm of his voice lull her to sleep.


End file.
